Thursday, May 8

Summer Movie Predictions

This morning I thought it would be funny to write a list of "predictions" for the upcoming summer movie season, except that every single prediction would just be "It's gonna be shitty," right down the line.

But then I started putting together the list and I realized I actually had something to say about most of the films, so here are my actual predictions for this summer's movies.

These aren't necessarily predictions about how well the films will DO--I find the endless box office speculation to be boring--so much as how well the films will be received. Yeah, I talk a bit about take, but I'm much more concerned with whether the film is going to be considered any good or not.

***
IRON MAN
Awesome, though possibly a minor letdown because of the hype and because everyone seems to have forgotten this is from the guy who gave us Elf and Zarutha or Zoratutha or whatever.

[Note: I wrote this list before Iron Man was released, but I'm only just now getting around to posting it. For the record, the film wasn't a minor letdown, but was pretty enjoyable from beginning to end. Also, it made roughly twice what I thought it was gonna make first weekend.]

SPEED RACER
Shitty. Hard to watch. Confusing. Has the very real potential to be a career-ending flop.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS...
Shitty. Gone in three weeks, but this will have zero impact on anyone's career.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
Shitty. The first "Oh, they made that?" film on our list. This will probably be the last or next to last film in this series.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
As sad as walking in on your dad crying. Do you know anyone who isn't utterly dreading this film? (Note that, like Phantom Menace, there will still be people claiming that this movie wasn't shitty as late as mid-fall.) Sadly, this WON'T be a career-ending flop.

SEX AND THE CITY
This is sexist AND ageist, but who wants to watch a bunch of women in their late 40s trying to get laid? The whole enterprise has the feeling of those later Star Trek movies featuring the original crew...even Christopher Noth, whom I like, is beginning to look like Madame. My prediction: it will certainly disappoint fans, but it'll make just a little more money than people are expecting.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
Oh my god, so shitty. Underperforming. Luckily for Sandler, though, The Love Guru will be even shittier and make people forget just how shitty this film was.

KUNG FU PANDA
Shitty.

THE HAPPENING
Shitty. Give up, Shyamalan.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK
"Oh, they made that?" Possibly the shittiest action movie of the summer. Roundly dismissed. (Can you believe how bad the CGI looks?)

GET SMART
"Oh, they made that?" Actually not as shitty as you might expect, but it'll get lost in the shuffle anyway.

THE LOVE GURU
I've seen this trailer twice now, and both times it was greeted with stony, almost hostile, silence from the audience. The theater would have gotten a bigger pop if they'd shown a student-made short film about gender identity. Listen: if you can't win over a Friday night crowd of stoners waiting for Harold & Kumar, you have some serious troubles. However, as much as I'd love to say this is going to flop, something horrible tells me I could be wrong.

WALL-E
Now here's a prediction I really hope I *am* wrong about: I'm just not feeling this one, but I can't quite put my finger on why. I haven't felt this uneasy about a Pixar film since Cars. (Actually, it's been a couple years since I unreservedly loved a Pixar film: I admired Ratatouille a lot more than I actually *liked* it.) But look, even if this movie is shitty--which I'm sure it's not--nobody deserves unearned money more than Pixar. Oh, and one more gripe: the film is mostly dialogue-free, which means that assholes will feel free to talk through the entire thing. Fuck!

WANTED
Shitty.

HANCOCK
The early buzz on this film is that it's an edgy take on both the superhero genre and Will Smith's film persona, but don't believe the hype: it's gonna be shitty. (Also, we really don't need another "edgy take on the superhero genre"...there are more of those than there are straightforward superhero films.)

THE DARK KNIGHT
I was in the extreme minority of people who found Batman Begins to be an overrated mess. (Why was Scarecrow in the movie, again?) Frankly, I found it a bit boring: "Oh, I hope Gary Oldman hits the button on the Batmobile dashboard in time!" Now, I'm not gonna say that The Dark Knight will be shitty--and I'm gonna choose this over Indy to be the top-grossing film of the summer--but I bet *I* won't enjoy it as much as Joe Internet does.

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY
"Oh, they made that?" Shockingly non-shitty, possibly the surprise hit of the summer if you count "hit" to include factors outside of just box office.

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
"Oh, they made that?" Shitty.

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
"Oh, they made that?" Shitty.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
I haven't seen a trailer win over an audience like this since Superbad. And, like Superbad, this will make a lot more money than anyone's predicting right now. Another "surprise hit of the summer."

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
"Oh, didn't they already make that?" No, that was Attack Of The Clones. This is an animated film. "Oh. But wait, didn't they already make THAT, too?" Yeah, but that was traditional animation, and was actually pretty great. This is gonna be CGI, and a pilot for a TV show that you have to pay to watch...and, oh yeah: shitty.

TROPIC THUNDER
This movie has a big buzz behind it, but those who are hyped have forgotten that the film was co-written and directed by Ben Stiller, who has basically never been funny. (And before you mention his Fox sketch show, admit that you haven't seen it since high school, then go back and actually watch an episode. Yikes.) Oh, and it has Jack Black in it. I'm gonna say: not as shitty as I think it will be, but shittier than most people are expecting.

1 comment:

Mo Nappy said...

re: zohan, i got all excited thinking it was another la lohan vehicle with a typo. watching another adam sandler movie is like going into the garage alone with the lecherous cousin who molested you at last year's reunion.