BETTER IN THEORY: 77 Things That Are Never Quite As Good As They Seem

Doin' it in a hot tub
Being pampered by a bathroom attendant
Hidden tracks at the end of CDs
Menu items described as "beer battered"
Armed revolution
All-star games of any kind
Participating in a food fight
Unwinding at a drum circle
Handball
Telling it like it is
Charlie Chaplin's silent antics
Cinco de Mayo
Winning a limo ride and backstage passes to a concert by being the 39th caller
Extra cheese
Desperate housewives-the real kind
Cummerbunds
Movies that feature Ben Stiller
Getting in touch with nature
Audience participation
Tug-of-war
Themed hotel rooms
Skits on rap CDs
Documentaries on gruff but lovable pimps
Sampling the food at street fairs
Meeting Courtney Love
Deep-sea fishing with the guys
Slo jams
The Sunday funnies
Your tax refund
Driving around in a convertible with your homeboys
Seizing the day
The back story to the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds
The brave antics of rodeo clowns
Martinis for dessert
Handjobs in public
Eating on the toilet
Realistic portrayals of Christ's last days
Adultery
A Spike Lee" Joint"
Chimps who act surprisingly human
Swimming holes
The comedic chemistry between Luke Wilson and anyone
Petting zoos
Acoustic versions
Your dog's degree from obedience school
Flavored toothpicks
Front-row seats to Blue Man Group
Hawaii
Homeland Security
Singing in the rain
One-armed push-ups
"Overstuffed" sandwiches
Communicating with relatives from beyond the grave
Actors stretching their improv chops
A rainbow assortment of saltwater taffy
Internet voyeur cams .
PBS documentaries on punk
Following your dream
The salad-bar's sneeze guard"
The "playful" compositions of John Cage
Costume parties
The carefree hobo lifestyle
Electric-bass solos
Free-form poetry slams
Book lights
Attending all-day jam-band festivals
Cordless power tools
Spending a holiday in a whorehouse
Amtrak
Chasing tornadoes
Frisbee golf
Getting your wife to smoke a cigar while wearing only stilettos
Renting a tandem bike
Befriending a grizzly
Leashes for children
Vanity plates that announce your occupation
This list

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by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead
from Esquire, Oct 2005